Average!

So, the big "4-0" is quickly coming. Actually, it's roaring up like a Mack truck with me standing in the middle of the road. Only 2 1/2 weeks away.

Don't know if it's because I'm tired from driving all night at work and unloading all day, etc, but I woke up in the bunk of the truck this afternoon with memories and moments from as far back in my ALMOST 40 years came streaming into my consciousness.

I'm kinda feeling a bit melancholy about it all right now!

As I was driving last night, I was listening to some sports talk show host explaining the difference between the players in College Football vs the quality of the players in the NFL. They also hit on the NBA, Golf, MLB, etc. The difference is vast, except for a very few exceptional players that move up to the next level.

So I started thinking about my life and see that through it all, I've been a 'college' level player.

In elementary I struggled with my studies - always average grades - and connecting with my classmates. All too often, my favorite part of the day - recess - ended in a fight because I wanted to be the best at whatever we were doing, ie dodgeball or tag or whatever and was just the middle of the pack and I'd get caught or out and get frustrated. (Interesting, I'd never thought of it in those terms or that way before.)
One thing, during those years, I was always good at was rollerskating. I loved the regular rollerskating we'd do at the school gym on Saturday nights. Can't make a life/career out of that though! :)

I think Academy, my Senior year, was about the best. I was a class officer, made it on the Volleyball team, was constantly involved with stuff and that was about the best grades I'd gotten in my life. (Still, they were pretty average though.) My Sophomore year I was trying to 'fit in' and barely did that. My Junior year year I was focused on one other person and didn't get involved in much else. I did a few intramural sports - but really just filled a slot on the team.

In college, I was so busy working trying to pay for college that I just 'passed' my classes - well all but one. Ended up with a HUGE "F" in algebra. Had to take 'bone-head' math to be able to graduate. With that and 'courting' Doreen, nothing extra really, I just existed.

I've never really done anything to 'stand-out' in my career. Pretty much feel like I've just been a worker bee trying to get the quota of pollen into the hive to get by. Just about got fired from 3ABN for asking the question, "why" too often. The 3 years moving was enjoyable - but extremely rough. Loved my time at LTR, but that all changed. The place operated just fine after I left.

Guess, I got to thinking about this a bit because when I was out with my shoulder operation, my partner ran with another guy for those 5 months and before I left, I could pack a warehouse extremely neatly and keep up with my partner. Well, the fill in could do it faster and better than me and I feel like I can barely keep up now. All it is, is stacking boxes, but I feel like I'm just barely doing enough to get by.

Maybe it is because 40 is coming, but I really feel kinda blase about my life. I have a wonderful wife, but at times, feel like I'm barely a competent husband/lover. My girls are awesome, but even after waiting 7 years to start with kids, not sure I have the maturity to help them be good people. I blow my stack way too easily - even after going through a Love & Logic course 3 times.

I always thought I was a pretty good racquetball player, and for the last two seasons, I've always finished 6th or 7th out of 10 or 11. Middle of the pack average - and that's in B league. Not even with the really good players.

In helping to lead our SS and my Builders class for Adventurers, I put quite a bit into it, but can't help but feeling it's barely adequate.

Humm, maybe I just need a really good night of sleep or to get past this upcoming reminder of how old I'm getting, which by the way is just midlife! Maybe this is my crisis! :)